Staying healthy. living with stress.

I agreed to substitute a yoga class for the owner of the studio where I teach yoga. She’s amazing and I was honored that she asked. I was nervous, but excited.

A week before the class, I started to prepare. We teach different styles of yoga, so I knew that I would have to change my teaching for her students. The prospect sounded fun and challenging, but became daunting as the date arrived.

The night before class, I was nervous. I kept waking, unsettled, worrying about the next morning. I was affraid I might oversleep. I was affraid the students would be dissapointed. I was affraid I wasn’t enough. I layed in bed restless. The emotions rose up, and I tried to breathe.

I was really worried how the students would react when they realized their usual teacher was gone and I would be teaching in her absence. Unfortunately it went just how I had imagined. As they arrived to the studio, the looks on their faces changed, when they realized their teacher was gone. They almost immediately gave a quick glance back at the door, as if to wonder, was it too late to leave? Instead they checked in and set their yoga mats down on the floor.

One by one the students entered the studio, and One by one they asked, are you teaching class today? I wore my widest, most confident smile as I struggled to make eye contact, ‘Yes, hello, my name is Rachel. Welcome to class.’ I must have come off as confident, but I felt like an imposter.

I knew that this experience would help me grow, but that’s the funny thing about growth. It doesn’t feel like growth when it’s happening.

The night before, when I lay in bed awake, worrying about all the things that could go wrong. I didn’t feel strong. I felt affraid. The morning of the class, the dissapointment of the students as they arrived. I didn’t feel confident. I felt small. I didn’t want to stay and teach, I wanted to go home and crawl back in bed. Snuggle into my daughter’s arms where I felt safe and secure. At home where I have a well defined role and sense of place, where I am comfortable.

But none of those were options. I was at the studio, I was the teacher, and class was about to begin. This is the moment I came back to the tools my yoga practice has given me and I allowed myself to just be present. I took a deep breath. I asked the students to breathe.

I set an intention for class. Non-attachment, or Aparigraha, one of the 5 yamas. In yogic teachings, the yamas are observances that regulate behavior in relationship to others. Believing this would help the students to let go of their expectations of me, and even more important, allow myself to let go of my expectations of myself. As I started to teach, I began letting go. Allowing myself to show up authentically, I stayed present with my students thru the practice.

Class went great.

I survived my own drama. Moving beyond my comfort zone was difficult, but that’s where the growth happens. I was out on the edge, Exposed, vulnerable, raw. This place is what defines us. This is where we either retract and stay stuck, or face our fears and move forward. It’s where risk lives. By putting ourselves out there, we might fail. Then Non-attachment, Aparigraha allows us to redefine what failure means. Success may lie instead in the learning that occurs. Let go of the story. Let go of the ego.

On the drive home, I felt energized and confident. I felt strong and powerful.

Everyone of us lives with difficult emotions. We all experience trauma. If we suppress the experiences, they stay inside of us, and they can even make us sick. It is important to allow our emotions to surface and experience them. Yes all of them, even the unpleasant ones. However it is important to have tools to manage the big feelings as they arise. one of my tools is yoga. I meditate and use my breath to move thru challenges. I also write. Writing down emotions, even just naming the feelings, is a useful therapeutic tool. Art therapy can also be a helpful way to express emotions, even just coloring. If the feelings are too overwhelming, a therapist can help you navigate the path to healing.

Stress isn’t going anywhere any time soon. In a society that is moving faster everyday, we must learn to live with stress. Learn to face it, and transform it into lessons of growth and change. One at a time. present, and aware.